if you ask an artist how to commit suicide, they will say a very creative way
Did you know the pool in the Titanic is still full?
When you realize you have depression, and depression realizes how stupid you were.
A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?" The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!"
Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."
Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."
Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."
Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."
Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
In Soviet Russia, gay sex gets you arrested.
In America, getting arrested gets you gay sex.
What's a similarity between your best friend and a tree?
They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.
Circumcision is like getting your dick sucked by a female. If you did not like it when you were a teenager, you probably will not like it when you become an adult.
So, I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said, "Yes ma'am." She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said, "Okay, thanks bitch."
Q. What's long, hard, and scary when you first see it?
A. Calculus homework.
I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.
She said, "but the world is round."
I said, babe, you are my world.
I'd hit you, but I don't want to go to jail for animal abuse.
Orphan boy: "Your dad is probably disappointed in you. I mean, look at you."
Me: "Well, at least my parents kept me. Where are yours?"
If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
The gayest person in the world is Pacman. You can pay him 50 cents to eat 200 balls.
If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run"?
My life.
Tell me when you get it.
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
