A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."
Did you know the pool in the Titanic is still full?
When you realize you have depression, and depression realizes how stupid you were.
A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?" The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!"
Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."
Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."
Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."
Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."
Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
In Soviet Russia, gay sex gets you arrested.
In America, getting arrested gets you gay sex.
What's a similarity between your best friend and a tree?
They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.
Circumcision is like getting your dick sucked by a female. If you did not like it when you were a teenager, you probably will not like it when you become an adult.
So, I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said, "Yes ma'am." She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said, "Okay, thanks bitch."
Q. What's long, hard, and scary when you first see it?
A. Calculus homework.
I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.
She said, "but the world is round."
I said, babe, you are my world.
I'd hit you, but I don't want to go to jail for animal abuse.
Orphan boy: "Your dad is probably disappointed in you. I mean, look at you."
Me: "Well, at least my parents kept me. Where are yours?"
If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
The gayest person in the world is Pacman. You can pay him 50 cents to eat 200 balls.
If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run"?
My life.
Tell me when you get it.
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
