You jokes

What do you call a man off the ground?

Hanged.

I'd hit you, but I don't want to go to jail for animal abuse.

Father: "I don't trust you. You poured your seed in my daughter's belly."

Son: "But Paah, you can't fire me."

Father: "You're lucky you're my brother too, or I'd kill you."

if you ask an artist how to commit suicide, they will say a very creative way

"Would you like to play the rape game?"

"No wtf" she replied.

"That's the spirit!"

Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."

Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."

Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."

Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."

Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*

What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.

A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?" The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said yes and lifted her dress so they could have some fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

So, I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said, "Yes ma'am." She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said, "Okay, thanks bitch."

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

Circumcision is like getting your dick sucked by a female. If you did not like it when you were a teenager, you probably will not like it when you become an adult.

What starts with M and ends with arriage?

Miscarriage. Now we all know that joke never gets old, and you know what?

Neither does the child.

Q. What's long, hard, and scary when you first see it?

A. Calculus homework.

What's a similarity between your best friend and a tree?

They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.

You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"

You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

The gayest person in the world is Pacman. You can pay him 50 cents to eat 200 balls.

If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run"?