You jokes
Q: What do you call a gay cowboy?
A: A jolly rancher.
Mom: You will make me kill myself.
Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!
Mom says: "I will go kill myself."
Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*
Some time later me fighting with my mom:
Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"
Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"
Lesson?
So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?
When the husband said "Is your ass so big?" she said "Because I am holding my shit."
Are you sad? Then don't be sad, because sad backwards is das, and das no good.
Yo mama so stupid that she shit and farted on you, asshole!
You can understand depression if you are still in school and get bullied by bullies, punished by teachers, and scolded by parents for being that quiet kid who says nothing.
Have you ever tried anal bleaching?
It really helps assholes lighten up.
Tell an orphan: if you got no parents, clap your hands.
Your forehead is so big they call you the Leaning Tower of Forehead!
What do you do to a pregnant lady on a step?
Push 'em.
How do you make orphan's hands bleed?
Make them clap for their parents to come back.
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
When she says "parents aren't home" so you rush upstairs.
New teacher: Everyone stand up if you think you are stupid.
Student: Stands up.
Teacher: Why did you stand up?
Student: I hate seeing you stand up there by yourself.
Thomas Montgomery would eat his fillet of fish in bed every night. He had fillet of fish bedding and everything. His roommates always asked him, "Why are you eating your fillet of fish in bed?" He wouldn't reply.
His family took him to the best psychologist in the field. Thomas continued emptying his bank account on fillet of fish to eat in bed. His friend said one day, took a picture of Thomas and told him to say cheese. They laughed and went there separate ways. Then in bed that night, Thomas kept on thinking to himself, "I never said cheese before someone snapped my picture." He repeated it again. The next day he thanked his friend, "Fillet in him feel better."
So my friend died. I was at her casket. I said I'll see you on the other side, so I went to the other side of the casket.
Bullying orphans is like bullying the homeless kid; both cry when you make fun of their parents.
What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and your step sis? You need to use protection for the nuclear reactor.
Who do you think is the fastest reader? Incorrect. It's 9/11. It went through 100 stories in 2 seconds.