You jokes
How do you get your appeal for rape charges accepted? Say you were expressing your desire for a woman, which is protected under the Constitution in freedom of expression.
You look like the type of guy to wash his/her hands after a shower! (And don't write in the comments that there are more than 2 genders.)
Roses are red, violets are blue, I pray God I'm not so ugly as you.
- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.
- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.
- Oh...that might actually be even easier.
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are probably built upside down.
Did you know pigeons die after sex?
Well, at least the one I fucked did.
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
A microtransaction.
Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn't close the casket.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jack undressed, and she pulled up her dress so they could have some fun. But stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
Why is a ball rolling when you put it on a hill?
Because it is circle.
Teacher says, "Okay class, today we're gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up." Little Johnny, how about you go first."
Little Jonny: "I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"
I saw a kid wearing tatty rags on a curb, so I asked, "Are you an orphan?"
"Yes," he replied. "What gave me away?" He asked, "Your parents," I said.
Student: A plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left?
Teacher: 203
Student: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Teacher: You can't.
Student: Yes, you can. Open the fridge door, put the elephant in.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: Open the door, put in the giraffe?
Student: No, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe.
The Lion King is having a party, who isn't there?
Teacher: Let me guess, the lion.
Student: No, the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge.
Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how?
Teacher: She stepped on the alligators?
Student: No, the alligators are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, how?
Teacher: She frowned?
Student: No, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I thank God I'm not as ugly as you.
Orphan: I love abcdefu!
Caretaker: Why? You don't have anyone to flip off.
Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"
How you feel when you slit yourself once: :(
How you feel when you slit yourself more than once: <:(
How you feel when you slit yourself everyday: *dead inside*
Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.
A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.