Just letting you know if people cry when they see you, that doesn't mean they miss you. That means they're scared of your onion breath.
You Jokes
Did you hear about the dead Italian chef?
He pasta way!
Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."
I'd tell you a 9/11 joke, but it'd fly over your head and into the Twin Towers.
What do you call grass that grows in space?
Astro-turf.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground meat.
What do you call a dead baby?
Spawn killed.
Is there a really annoying girl at your school and she's so fake? Well, say this:
Me: Hey, I have a nickname for you.
Her: Really? What?
Me: Sweet-in-low.
Her: Why?
Me: Because you're artificial.
When a homeless kid goes to school and the teacher says, "You have homework tonight," he said, "Sorry, Teach, I don't got a home."
Teacher: Little Johnny, why are you late again?
Little Johnny: I had to be there for the birth of our first mixed cow, the white cow fell on the mud! (The teacher faints)
Why are you gay?
Because you are.
You're so weak, someone breathed on you and you flew away!
You were born so fat they needed two cranes to carry you.
You're so ugly that if you looked in the mirror, you would walk into the light.
Your skin's so bright you could be used as a highlighter.
I thought you were just raising your eyebrow, but I checked the x-ray, and your skull shifted 128 degrees to the right.
Your hairline is so bad people thought you were Vegeta!
What do you call a man in love with an emo?
I really don't know.
Australian says to American: why do you have such bad gun laws?
American: Self defense.
Australian: Self defense against 50 innocent children?
Me in the middle of the night boiling water.
Me talking to my brother: How do you make holy water?
My brother: How?
Me: You boil the hell out of it.
