You jokes

An optimist says, "The glass is half full."

A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."

Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"

What do you call a dog turd in China?

Waste of food.

Did you hear about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.

What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

And microtransaction.

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.

How do you get a black girl to suck your meat?

Put barbecue sauce on it.

How can you tell your best friend is gay?

His meat tastes like shit.

Why don't you have a life?

Because you're ugly.

Boobs are like friends: you have big ones, small ones, real ones, fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer.

What do you call a guy that's high in a wheelchair?

A baked potato.

I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

You must be ice cream because I wanna lick you up.

Are you feeling down? Because I’d happily feel you up.

I hope you remembered my name since you’ll be screaming it later.

Don’t have a bike? You can mount me instead.

Are you a blanket? Because I love it when you’re on top of me.

Did you make your bed this morning? Wanna unmake it together?

You’re so fine that my zipper is falling for you.

My two friends came to me one day and said they had the best blowjob that they ever had from my little sister. So I ask my sister, "Is it true that you gave my friends blowjobs?" She said yes.

My sister asked me, "Do you want one?" I said yeah. My sister gave me a blowjob and wow, just like my friends, it was the best blowjob that I ever had. As an older brother, I couldn't be more prouder.