You jokes

My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"

Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."

Roses are red, violets are blue.

My heart is dead.

I’m such a fool.

Why did I fall for you?

Q: How do you stop babies from being conceived through incest?

A: Cum on your cousin's face.

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

What do you call a man with a Johnny on his nose? Fuck nose.

What’s the worst thing about having a sister with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.

The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"

He says, "No."

She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."

What gets long when you put it, slides into holes, and likes to squeeze between boobs?

A seatbelt.

Do you ever look at someone and think, "You must have been conceived at a family reunion"?

What’s the worst thing about having a daughter with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.

What’s the worst thing about having a wife with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.

What do you call an @EB with no ears?

An Explain B.

What do you call a child version of Batman?

The Raped Crusader.

What do you call a cold Explain bear?

A brrr.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

What do you call it when the Edmonton Oilers play against the Nashville Predators? A Diddy Bowl.

What do you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut, you fucking racist.

How do you piss off a midget?

Give them a yo-yo and tell them to play with it.

Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?

I guess it really IS all in the execution.

What do you call two homeless people throwing rocks at each other?

A pillow fight.