You jokes
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Your dad.
But my dad's dead.
I know, just reminding you!
At one point in your life, you were exactly pi years old.
Millions of people are doing the exact same thing as you are right now.
A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone that knows you.
A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees.
Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says, “I can save you $100!”
God, people are so sensitive these days. You can't even say, "Paint the wall black," you have to say, "Jamal, could you paint the wall?"
Wanna go to suicide school, then time travel to Hitler's bunker and ask him to teach you?
What do you call a rich Chinese person? Cha-ching!
Ask Siri what rich North Koreans are there.
Siri: "I could not find anything for this question."
"What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?"
"Sofishticated."
When your girlfriend says it is too small, you say, "Just enjoy the small thing."
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Lay on the bed, So I can fuck you.
Are you a sports car? Because you give my heart quite a rush!
You know why you remind me of a calculator? Because 1+1 equals the two of us.
Q: What do you call a Chinese Billionaire?
A: Cha-ching!
What do you call intelligent people in America?
Tourists.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
Two boys are wandering in the woods, playing games.
Suddenly, they come across a naked lady, and one of the boys starts running. The other chases after him and asks: "Why did you start running?"
The boy replies with: "My mom said if I ever see a naked lady, then I would turn to stone. And I can already feel a part of me turning hard."
I dare you to smile like a donut. Did you do it?
How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?
Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.