Did you hear about the mad who got his whole left side cut off? He's all right now.
What do you call vampire Matt Damon?
Bat Damon!
How long does it take for 10 dead babies to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them.
How do you punish Stevie Wonder for bad behavior?
You move all of the furniture around.
How do you circumcise a redneck?
You kick his sister in the jaw.
How many oz of water does it take to screw a light bulb?
None, also what the heck are you doing with water when people in Africa don’t have any?
"-Hey dude, you got some beef? You want some beef from me?"
"- No thanks... I'm vegetarian!"
Why didn't the kid cancer patients like his joke?
He said, "You'll understand when you get older!"
U were accidental.
Knock knock. Who's there? Knock knock. Knock knock who? I'll knock knock you out if you don't stop.
Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.
"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."
"Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
How do you saw an apple with no mouth?
A P P L E
A bully chokes me. I simply say, "Joke's on you, I like being choked!"
What do you call an octopus dad?
An octodad.
Do you want to go to the pool?
Yes? Well, water you waiting for?
what's the difference between an onion and a baby?
nobody cries when you cut up the baby.
what's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your way into someone's pants
The IRS came to this man's house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money that's been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man thought, "Maybe I need to get a lawyer." So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down, and the agent said, "There has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account, and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it." The man says, "Yes, I do. I'm a gambler." The agent says, "You gamble with that much money?" The man says, "Yes, I'll give you an example. Alright, I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my left eye." Agent says, "Alright, deal." The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agent says, "That's not fair." The man says, "I'll let you get your money back, or even more. I bet you $7,500 I can bite my right eye." The agent, thinking, "I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick," so the agent says, "Deal." The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says, "That's not fair." The man replies, "Alright, I have another one. You're down $12,500. I'll bet you $15,000, if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room, I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere." The agent says, "That's impossible, you've got a deal." The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk, and the agent says, "I got you!" He's laughing and happy that he finally beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face, and the agent asked, "What's wrong with you?" and the lawyer replies, "The man bet me $100,000 he could piss on your desk, and you'd just love it."
Chuck: Do you have holes in your underpants?
Teacher: No, of course not.
Chuck: Then how do you get your feet through?
