You Jokes

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs?

Names.

I accidentally bumped into a midget yesterday.

Me: "Are you ok sir?"

Midget: "Well, I'm not happy."

Me: "Well, which one are ya?"

Have you heard of the restaurant Karma?

There is no menu because you only get what you deserve.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

Have you heard the gossip about the butter? Oh, I guess I better not spread it.

How do you punish Helen Keller?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

What do you call blue and orange at the bottom of a pool?

A baby with flat armbands!

Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?

A: Look in a mirror.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh f-i-s-h (and the eye).

What do you call a retarded three legged doggo heckin pupper monster? A 1996 Dodge Neon with a broken tail light cover and 166,748.46 miles on the odometer.

It could use a tune up and it needs a new transmission soon. New rear tires and a new radiator. Test drives with cash in hand. HMU motivated seller. Don’t waste my time and no lowballs.

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".

What do you call a duck on drugs?

A quackhead.

Have you seen the movie "Constipation"?

It hasn't come out yet.

What's the difference between a plane and a woman?

At least the plane doesn't give you herpes when it crashes at your place.

How do you know you’ve been robbed by an Asian?

The house is clean, the homework is done, but the idiot is having trouble backing out of the driveway.

I can tell you an airplane joke, but it will probably fly over your head.

What do you call a pool full of retards?

Vegetable soup.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.

What do you call a bunch of Aboriginals rolling down a hill?

Abo-lanche.

What goes in soft and comes out hard?

Gum, you whore!