You Jokes

What do you call a skeleton in the snow? A numb skull.

Roses are red, violets are blue, You think violets are blue, what the hell is wrong with you?

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

What do you call a smart blonde?

Nonexistent.

Have you heard about the movie about constipation?

Me neither, it hasn't come out yet.

Q: What do you call white people on a black bus?

A: Oreo

Did you hear about the dyslexic cop? He jumped off his horse and blew his whistle!

What did the doc say to the skeleton? You're skele-a-ton.

What does a tuna, piano, and a tub of glue have in common?

You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

But what about the glue? said Bob I. I knew you would get stuck on that!

When your friend gets involved with someone, it affects the friendship. Whenever a friend of mine has a new girlfriend, we should say I looked like the person you used to know, but I've been modified to survive in this relationship. If we have an argument and she's there, I might disagree with you; I'd rather continue to see her naked.

Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'll let it go!

Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.

Aren't my egg yolks amazing? Don't they make you crack up? If not, I better scramble!

A jumping cable walked into a bar and the bartender said,

"I will serve you, but don't start anything!"

Did you hear about the 100 centimeter girl?

I’d really like to meter.

The baby water bottle said to the mommy water bottle, "Mommy, I lost my teddy bear." The mommy water bottle said, "Why don't you RECAP on what you said?"

Why can't you tell anyone about space?

Because it's too out of this world!

You are quite [something].

You are American when you walk to the bathroom. What are you when you are in there?

You're-a-peein'. European.

Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT! GET OUT!"

Priest: "Ok, what about the children?"

Father: "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"

Priest: "Do you think we'll have time?"