Girlfriend: Am I pretty or ugly?
Boyfriend: You're both!
Girlfriend: What do you mean by that?
Boyfriend: You're pretty ugly!!!
You Jokes
Teacher: Kids, what does a chicken give you?
Students: Eggs.
Teacher: Very good. Now, what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon.
Teacher: Excellent. Now, what does the fat cow give you?
Kids: Homework.
What do you call a cow?
A cow!
I went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.
She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
I ran into a dwarf, and he said, “Well, I’m not happy.”
Me: Then which one are you?
I ran into a dwarf and he said: "Well, I’m not Happy."
Then which one are you?
See you later, crocodile.
In a while, pedophile.
Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they don't shoot up schools.
Me walking in to the office:
Principal: Tell me, what did you do?
Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...
I know five fat people, and you're three of them.
Did you hear about Fridgetair
Kelvinator?
So you know "The Lion King."
Do you remember Simba?
Well, his dad is really strong, and he walks really fast, but Simba walks really slow.
So I told him to Mufasa.
What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?
Reload... chhchhhh.
What do you do during a shooting? Why, join in, of course...
How do you make a juggler laugh? You tickle his balls.
What do you call a lazy piece of meat?
A meatloaf.
What do you call an iPhone put into a smoothie maker?--An Apple smoothie.
Have you heard of the man who got all his left side chopped off?
He was all right.