You jokes
How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?
Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"
Julius Caesar walks into a bar and orders a Martinus.
The bartender asks, "Don't you mean Martini?"
Julius Caesar says, "No, I only want one."
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Hey, you know those birds and lizards that feast on decaying flesh?
Oh, sorry, I shouldn't carrion about it.
What do you call a person with no arms?
Armless.
You
You
You're the cow.
What do you say to your partner with diabetes?
Hey, sugar!
What do you call a dinosaur that likes subtraction?
A galiminus.
Ok, now I'm not good at telling jokes, but this one is not too bad. One cunt said to another cunt, "Do you get cold at night?"
"Fuck no, cunt," the first cunt said, "Why?"
"I have a built-in set of vertical curtains to keep the cold out, cunt!" xx
What do you call a person whose Lymphoma keeps recurring?
A Lymphomaniac.
A man finds his son climbing the roof of his house. The kid kept using all sorts of material to climb up, but the dad didn't pay much attention.
Next day the kid went to the state tower and kept climbing using some adhesive gloves. The dad asks his son for a second time: "Son! Why are you doing this?" The son replies: "You told me to aim up high!"
White people: *come to America, meet natives and take food, kill them, rape them, and enslave them.*
Natives: Can y-
White people: Hey, you remember all that horrible sh*t we did to you? Let's have a good laugh about it over dinner with your buddies and my new wives.
Cancer is the best thing ever! Hahah, fuck all you cancer patients!
Three friends were stuck in the desert. They were struggling and trying to find food when they found a magical lamp. They rubbed it and out came a genie, and the genie says, "Each of you friends get to have one wish." So the first friend said, "I wish to go home," same as the second one. The third friend said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were with me!"
My dustbin's absolutely full of toadstools!
How do you know it's full?
Because there's not mushroom inside.
What do you call a cow who walks on two legs?
Lean beef.
I wish I could tell you about my penis, but it's too short.
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Knock knock.
Jou is there?
Why don't you speak English?
When you look at the sun, it's like looking at me.