New Year Jokes - Page 36 - Worst Jokes Ever

What does a blowjob from an 80-year-old and bungee jumps have in common?

You feel the rush, but don't look down.

I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...

no one could tell that it was their blood.

Do you know who didn't graduate high school this year?

The Parkland kids.

I like my women how I like my wine.

14 years aged and locked in a cellar.

What's the good thing about fucking 21 year olds?

There's twenty of them!

I like my cigars like I like my women:

Seven years old coming from Cuba in a burlap sack.

I like my women like a day: 24 year olds. 24 hours of fun.

Many years of sex in the dark.

The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"

The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

Why doesn't Santa have kids? Because he only comes once a year.

What’s the difference between a tire and three-hundred-sixty-five used condoms?

One’s a good year; the other’s a great year!

What's the only punch that can knock out a 21 year old?

A Sandy Hook.

There's an old lady doing gardening every year. Nothing grows. She goes to the man who lives next door. She says, "How do you get your tomatoes so big and red?" He tells her, "You show them your privates at night time." So she leaves. That night later, she goes outside and shows the garden her privates. The next day she's got zucchinis a meter long!

A 90 year old man takes a Viagra.

Strips off naked, lies down in an alley way. Three chicks walk on by: a blond, a brunette, and a red head.

The red head said, "I'm not letting that go to waste," so she strips off and rides him. When she's finished,

The brunette then strips off naked and rides him. The blond's now worried because she just got her period. The red head sez, "He's dead. Don't let it go to waste," so she strips off naked and rides him. Then he wakes up. He then says, "Wow, two jump starts and a blood transfusion. I'm good to go!"

What do you call a 5-year-old with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

It's said Duracell batteries are supposed to last 75 years, well Stephen, here you are.

There once was a woman who had 10 kids. Their names were:

Tenth, Twenty, Thirty, Forty, Fifty, Sixty, Seventy, Eighty, Ninety, and One Hundred.

Everyone but Ninety died. She also had 10 kids.

These 10 kids got a dog without Ninety knowing. They had him for 2 years until he got hit by a car.

Only Ninety's kids know about this.

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...