New Year Jokes - Page 29 - Worst Jokes Ever

What do you call a 60 year old with a bomb?

Suicide Boomer.

Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?

If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

What month has 28 days?

All of them.

Doctor: You don't have long to live. 10...

Patient: Ten what? Ten years, ten months?

Doctor: 9... 8... 7...

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

What do a 14 year old and the fetus inside her both think?

"Man, my mom's going to kill me!"

Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.

Condoms 99 percent effective.

Birth control 99 percent effective.

Etc.

Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)

What's the best thing about taking a shower with a 12 year old Philippino girl?

If you slick her hair back, she looks 10.

Yesterday, a 5-year-old dyslexic boy almost saved his mother from drowning, but he kept dialing 119...

I told my Mum, "Will you remember me in 6 minutes, 6 hours, 6 years?"

She said, "Yes."

"Knock knock."

I said, "My mum, who's there? You didn’t remember me!"

What is black and blue and really hates sex?

The six-year-old in my basement.

A 10-year-old: "I don't want to smile without having a reason to. People shouldn't think I'm happy 24/7."

A 10-year-old, a week later: "Damn... my life is shitty..."

<2 years later> 12-year-old: "What is de-pre-ssion?" *googles it*

Now 14-year-old: "Oh..."

Americans won't have a Thanksgiving Dinner this year. Why not? They sent their turkey to the White House.

Susie was in her mother's room one night, as her mother was getting ready for bed. She had slipped off her blouse; her boobs, plum and perky. Susie had asked what are those and will I get them? Her mother had said they were boobs and she would grow some in a few years. Her mother told Susie to find her father and say goodnight.

So Susie left, headed down the hall to the bathroom where her father was showering. Susie knocked on the door, he said come in. He had moved the shower curtain over just a bit. Susie said she loved him, and then seen her father's dick. Shocked, Susie asked her father what that was and if she would get one. Her father said it was a dick, and he said Susie would get it after her mother went to bed.

A man is out west driving and on the edge of town comes across a tourist stand and sitting in front is an Indian chief right out of central casting. Dour look, full headdress, a glass jar and a sign that says "Indian chief know all! $5". So the fellow's curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the chief, puts $5 in the jar and asks "What did I have for breakfast on this day 10 years ago?" Chief taps his chin for a moment and says "Hmmm eggs. You had eggs!"

"Eggs?" shouts the guy "Everybody has eggs! I've been had!" throws his hands in the air and leaves in a huff.

Ten years on, as fate would have it the fellow has occasion to be driving through the same town and sure enough he comes across the same stand, Indian chief, sign, and jar. So he stops the car and saunters across the road, goes up to the chief like a smart-ass, holds up his hand and says "How". Chief taps his chin for a moment and says "Poached."

Why did Chad date the 9 yr old?

Because Stellas hot.

A 60 year old man is walking along a deserted road with a 12 year old boy. It’s getting dark, and the boy says “Hey mister, it’s getting dark and I’m scared”. The man replies, “You’re scared? I’ve got to walk back to town alone”.