Workplace jokes
Q: Why was the gay man fired from the sperm bank?
A: He got caught drinking on the job.
Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?
Me: I Excel at it.
Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?
Me: Word.
Why do we call them dead bodies? Nobody says "alive bodies!" Like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG IT'S FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones, though." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on, husband, help me with the bodies." If it's a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"
One time I saw a kid crying, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage!
Me: Kills the boss and takes his loot.
Everyone else in the office: 😱
September 11th. #BringYourPlaneToWorkDay
When you're working in the Twin Towers and your computer connects to the airplane wifi.
Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker... So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus.
Blitz: "HOLD ON! You better move that pussy wagon right now, or I’m gonna..."
Vortex: "You'll do what?"
Blitz: "Or I'll... uh... uh, I- I'll call HR!"
*Silence, then Verosika/me, Blitz, and Vortex bust into laughter. And then back to seriousness*
Verosika/me: "Anyway, meet my new Hellhound... Vortex. Unlike you, he actually does his job well." *leaves and flips Blitz off* "Ta-ta fuck stain."
How can a gay man that is unemployed be productive in the workplace?
Give a blowjob to other gay men in the workplace for money.
So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.
Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.
I got a job at a library once. I got fired like an hour in because the library manager said that the cookbooks didn’t go into the women’s sports section.
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *pauses porn* Why?
When I was at work, I saw this kid crying. I said, "Where are your parents?" God, I love working in an orphanage.
I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”
And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.
Why did the female dicktator get fired? She had too much dick!
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer.
The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.
I saw a kid crying in the corner of the room and I said, "Are you OK? Where are your parents?" and he started crying even more.
I love working in an orphanage.