Workplace jokes

So you get a new job, and here's something about this guy named Mike.

The next day you go into the office and Mike is sitting next to you, with unicorns and rainbows and stuff. Then, a co-worker comes up and says, "No one told you Mike was gonna be this GGGAAAAYYYYY *clap clap clap clap*."

A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.

Bosses are like seagulls.

They fly in, make a lot of noise, crap all over everything, then fly out.

What do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?

Showing them the ropes.

What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?

Free dog food.

Why did the zookeeper lose his job? For choking the chicken and spanking the monkey!

I'll never forget my boss's last words: "We shall serve the best meat in our burgers!"

A receptionist at the Twin Towers orders two pepperoni pizzas. She was upset when she got two planes.

What's a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.

I saw an ISIS video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."

I lost my job at a research facility. The people were too chill for me.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

A pornstar committed suicide; her coworkers must be taking it hard.

Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

Lady: What did you do?

Man: I took a day off...

If a midget with down syndrome shows up late for work, is it okay to say she's a little tardy?

I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.