New Wife Jokes

The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.

Must be heartwrenching for a loyal husband to watch his wife dry shagging me on the living room carpet.

I mean, once she started, she couldn't get enough.

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

I moved so much stone today.

I feel like a guy from Palestine looking for his wife.

An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:

Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."

Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"

Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."

Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"

Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."

Do you think John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head because his wife said he was close-minded?

"The dad was so horny he wanted to have sex with his wife, but his wife said no, so he fucked his daughter."

What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?

"I woke up Chris Breezy."

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

My wife said I have no sense of direction.

I said, "Where did that come from?"

I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap!

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."