Wife jokes

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

What’s the worst thing about having a wife with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.

A man wakes up and asks his wife, “Are you okay? You were cursing me all night in your sleep.” The wife replies, “Who says I was sleeping?”

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.

Must be heartwrenching for a loyal husband to watch his wife dry shagging me on the living room carpet.

I mean, once she started, she couldn't get enough.

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

I moved so much stone today.

I feel like a guy from Palestine looking for his wife.

An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:

Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."

Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"

Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."

Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"

Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."

Do you think John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head because his wife said he was close-minded?

"The dad was so horny he wanted to have sex with his wife, but his wife said no, so he fucked his daughter."

What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?

"I woke up Chris Breezy."

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

My wife said I have no sense of direction.

I said, "Where did that come from?"