Random couple after their first night:
Husband: It was very tasty. đ„”
Wife: Aww, thanks.
Husband: Does anyone had taste it before?
Wife: â ïž
My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.
I said, "Maybe."
Did you hear about the story of the husband who told his wife sheâd look sexier with her hair back?
Apparently, thatâs not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
A young man cracked a joke about dementia to his friend on the bus. The old man sitting next to him politely asked, âCan you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?â
He replied, âYes, I cancer.â Then he cracked tumor.
EMINEM: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.
WebMD: Cancer.
As an older brother, I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to do your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room. I see my sister giving married men blow jobs.
I ask what are you doing? The married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you told me to do your best, and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder.
Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer? A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Whatâs she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"
Husband: âHoney, whatâs the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?â
Wife: âok... what is it?â
Husband: âI donât have a Ferrari right now.â
Roses are red Violets are blue Your wife needs Jon grudon too.
A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees.
Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says, âI can save you $100!â
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, sheâs back in bed.
I have a riddle for you:
10 people are on a boat, but they all die due to a tsunami except the captain.
Then, when he gets home, his wife serves him âpenguin meat.â
Once he eats it, he starts crying.
Why?
A few days after her husbandâs death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.
The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. Itâs really hot down here!"