When jokes

When this guy fell off a cliff, he got an A+ for egg-cellence!

What is it called when a cow sings? A lawsuit.

What did Allan say to William, his sister, when he stepped on his toe? "OWWW Mitosis."

I hate it when I accidentally eat out my dog, lol.

What is a box called when a cough dies in it?

A coffin.

When your girlfriend tells you she's a guy: "What, bitch? Naw, hell no!"

When you accidentally choke your girlfriend to death and then realize that it's your sister so who gives a f**k?

Jack and Jill went up the hill, both had Bacardi rum. When Jill's was gone, she wanted Jack's, that's why she took it from him.

The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.

Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"

"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."

The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"

"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

I'm pretty socially awkward when talking to girls, so I watched a video on how to keep conversations going.

The guy said to try and find things that remind you of something else and talk about that. For example, "that oak tree over there reminds me of the one we used to climb in my backyard as a kid. It used to be so much fun... and so on."

So next time I was having a conversation with a girl, I saw a red truck. So I said, "that red truck reminds me of the time my house burned down when I was 6." She said, "oh, and the fire trucks came to your house?" And I said, "no, I was getting molested in a red truck when my house burned down."

Where did Stephen Hawking go when he wanted to get drunk? The Genius Bar.

I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.

What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?

My last if she knows what's good for her.

What do you get when you cross a cat and a dinosaur? A cat-astrophe!

Wanna know something funny? Well, there was this one time when my parents were talking about their marriage.

Then after the wedding, they decided to make a joke, and then 9 months later, I was born. My birthday (4/1/06) April 1, 2006.

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

When you slap the mosquito, it stops sucking.

Why were the Indians telling the others to chop off their noses when they got close to 12 inches?

Because then it would be a foot. LOL! I may have peed myself.

What’s the difference between a computer and Paul Walker? I give a crap when my computer crashes.

What time is it when you need to go to the toilet?

Two-ply!

The Titanic was in a pickle when they saw the iceberg.