When jokes
My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.
When they spilled coffee on his neck, he got hot under the collar.
You're at a buffet, you think you're hungry for two, but misfortune happens when you think of yourself. You get stuck looking at sides in the buffet. A roly poly gal you see in the corner of your eye, eyeballing the main dishes in front at the end. You go in for the pickings, you get intercepted by a far more hungrier matter, but you find yourself getting slammed over the buffet table, and realize you are gasping for air, and she is tenderizing you for dinner.
What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?
A cold shoulder.
When Stephen Hawking found out about physics, he was speechless.
Your mama so fat, when Pennywise said, "We all float down here," he saw her and suddenly knew he was mistaken.
When Chuck Norris breaks a mirror, the mirror gets seven years of bad luck.
When the emo kid is about to hang himself in the school bathroom, and the autistic kid starts swinging the rope like Indiana Jones!
My puns drive people nuts; this is usually when I bolt away.
Do you guys know why women have small feet? It's because God created them to stand closer to the sink when they wash dishes.
How are a gay guy and a refrigerator different?
When you pull the meat out of the refrigerator, it doesn’t fart.
When the Lego box says 6-99 years but you eat it in 20 minutes.
What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?
An erection.
Everyone laughs when a bully teases someone, but no one laughs when that person commits suicide.
What did Allan say to William, his sister, when he stepped on his toe? "OWWW Mitosis."
What did Allan say to his sister bully when she stepped on his toe? "Mitosis!"
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? She gagged and moaned.
What did the dog say to his sister when she stepped on his toe? "Hey, mitosis!"
I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.
Question: "You're-a-American" when you're not in the restroom and when you come out of the restroom. What are you when you're in the restroom?
Answer: European (You're-a-peein')