When jokes
A man was forced off the Eiffel Tower, but he flew back up.
The executioners asked, "How'd you do that?"
He said, "I had magic chips. Here, take some."
They eat them, jump off, and die.
He asks for more chips, and the guy says, "You're a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman!"
I made a bet with my friend that I couldn’t create a working car with spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta! 😂
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
What happens when you throw an underage boy between two Catholic priests?
They fight and... You know the rest.
It was September 10, 2001, when I stayed up watching TV shows.
I woke up late for work at The World Trade Center, but it was burning. I said out loud, "I was late! I'm happy I was late to work! I mean... I could've di-" I was then beaten and bruised by the emergency services.
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
How do you know when a cabbage is boiled?
The wheelchair floats to the top.
When your crush walks in class but you're homeschooled...
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
What do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?
Showing them the ropes.
What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde girl?
One stops sucking when you smack it.
There's three kids: Little Drop, Little Feather, and Little Brick. Little Feather goes, "Mommy, why do you call me L'feather?" She answers, "Cuz a little feather fell over your head when you were born." L'Drop asks his mom, "Mommy, why do you call me L'drop?" She answers, "Cuz a little drop fell on your head when you were born." L'brick goes, "aafddkcasgbklcdahjkcbgtnhrfn."
When a lady gets married, what does she borrow?
She borrows her husband's last name.
What do you get when you cross a belt and a watch?
A waist of time.
What did the cat say when she stubbed her toe?
"(Me)owwww!"
What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.
You know you have a domestic abuse problem when you beat your dick.
What did the soldier say when he sees a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RC-XD incoming.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.