When jokes
Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
When a school shooter walks to the intercom and plays Pumped Up Kicks.
What do bees do when they get married?
They go on a honeymoon.
Where in hell is Lee Harvey Oswald now when we need him?
What do you call Mary Berry when she’s on holiday?
A Cake By The Ocean.
My ex-wife was smoking pot with Snow White, when the 7 dwarfs saw them they sang...
"Look at those high Ho's! Hiiiiiiii Hoooooo'sssss!!!!"
A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."
Yo mama so fat that when she sat on the couch, the couch got destroyed.
My friend and I joined a french fry eating contest, but I just couldn't ketchup. So we switched to cheeseburgers, but I still couldn't mustard up the speed to lettuce win. I mayo not have thought this through.
So we switched to fruits, but when it got to the watermelons, I started to feel a little green. My friend couldn't seed the point of us continuing anymore. I just couldn't digest the stress, I guess! :D
Rock-a-bye dummy, in the tree top.
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall.
Down will come dummy, cradle and all.
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
Jurassic Park.
I was taking a walk near the prison when I saw a good looking guy climbing down the fence, and when he noticed me, he gave me a sneer! It was pretty condescending.
When my dad once went to the Virgin Islands, now it's just called the Islands.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.
What did the mincrater do when his Xbox turns off?
He raged! 😱
What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?
Reload... chhchhhh.
Why did the man sit on his porch and bark at the postman when he came?
Because his dog had a sore throat!
What did the beachgoers in North Carolina say when there was a tsunami?
Nothing, they died.