What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Whats Jokes
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter's dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io!
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What eats nuts and bolts? A squirrel that’s running late!
I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?
A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.
The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"
The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."
The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."
So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"
The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."
The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.
"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
Apples get picked.
What do you call a group of transgender women? Ex-Men.
What’s the difference between a suicide bomber and a feminist? A suicide bomber actually does something when triggered.
What was the last thing to go through Princess Diana’s head before she died?
The steering wheel.
What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children.
What’s similar between a pregnant 12 year old and the fetus inside of her?
They’re both thinking, “Oh, shit, my mum’s gonna kill me!”
What is stronger than family?
The tree Paul Walker hit.
What's the difference between a bad joke and an actually bad joke?
An actually bad joke is not funny, like this one!
