Week Jokes

milk

I went home to my girlfriend, with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"

Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks " what's that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats." Oh next thing he know he sees his dad jumping around the the bathroom yelling " fucking, fuck,fuck,Fuck" " what does that mean dad?" And his dad yells " cut Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving and the doorbell rings and Johnny answers it and says " Hey bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

in Puzzle

I don't wanna brag, but I finished a puzzle in under a week and it said 2-4 years on the box.

weeb
in Orphan

why can't an orphan live peacefully, Technoblade: as a ghost he could locate all orphan withing 2 weeks

Anonymous
in Orphan

Or is she asking her son, “Do you know Newton?” The boy said, “No, I don’t know.” She said to him, “If you had paid attention to your lessons, you would have known him!!” The boy said, “Ok, do you know Ikhlod?” She said to him, “No, who is she?” He said to her, “If you had paid attention to your husband, you would have known her.” The important thing is that the boy is currently a week with his uncles and a week with his turbans.

Did you just come from a bakery? Because you’ve got the hottest pair of buns I’ve seen all week.

They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us

It’s been a few weeks, and its clear that you do not have that sense

edp445
in Roses are red

im black and i have a dying family in my basement that assent ate in 2 weeks they need help btw its a joke lol

18 naked cowboys waiting to get f...ed
in Uncle

You know having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!

Anonymous

Man with cancer: How much time do I have left? Doctor: Ten. Man: Weeks? Months? Days? Doctor Nine, eight, seven...

I asked my dog this morning how her weeks been going- she said "ruff". I feel her you know? I feel her.

the god of dark humor

What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user? – Meals on wheels.

People are like potatoes. We may look different, but we all taste the same with a little ketchup.

How do Mexicans feel about Trump’s wall? – They’ll get over it.

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? – Because the sign says No Tres passing.

What’s a Mexican's least favorite lesson in art? Drawing border lines.

What’s a Mexicans favorite sport? Cross country.

Why do people not play uno with Mexicans… because they are always stealing the green cards

What do you call a Mexican and a pedofile fight? Alien vs Predator

What do you call a Mexican Baptism? Bean Dip

What’s a Mexicans favorite video game? Borderlands.

Friends are like boobs, some are big, some are small, some are real and some are fake.

Your hairline so far back I learned about it in history class

Your hairline so far back even Rosa Parks refused to sit there

Your hairline more bent than James Charles’ gender

I’m not saying you’re going bald, but you’ll find Waldo before you find your hairline.

your hairline is like the universe still waiting to be discovered

You're like a cloud. When you go away, it's a beautiful day.

if I had a face like yours I would sue my parents

Everyone’s had a mind-blowing day before, just ask JFK.

I got a ps5 for my brother, best trade i’ve ever made

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather , that is until my mom took the urn away from me

What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

Why are Orphans so bad at dodgeball Because no one misses them I got detention yesterday because I told the emo kid to “Hang in there.”

What game does an emo hate the most? Cut the Rope

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend As she saw it, she said "nevermind, just finger me"

This chess game against America and England is getting interesting, first America lost both of its towers but now England has lost its queen

queen elizabeth died a couple weeks ago im still trying to find the reboot card How do you know if your sister is on her period? Your dad's dick tastes funny. What’s worse than fingering your sister? Finding your dad's wedding ring inside her. Why are emo jokes so infamous? They cut deep. Why isn’t the Moon Emo anymore? Turns out it was just a phase. How many emos like anagrams? Some. What do you call those who remain My Chemical Romance fans? Emold. What is the connection between Emos and Darth Vader? They both dress in all black and none of them has a father. What do you call flat-chested emo? A cutting board. How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Who cares, let them cry in the dark. Why did the emo kid leave the food on the table? It was the Happy Meal. Anthony went into the bakery and ordered Emo Cake. “Emo cake?” says the baker. ” What exactly is it?” Anthony says, “It’s the cake that cuts itself.” How do you pull an emo from a tree? Cut the rope. What’s the similarity between emos and unsalted popcorn? They’re both white and flavourless. What do emo birds call their mouths? Bleaks. What do you call an obese emo teen? An edgelard. Recommended: Fat Jokes What do you call a gang of emo kids? Suicide Squad. How are cats and emos different from one another? The cat still has 8 other lives. Why does emo get tattoos of fruits on their arms? They are playing Fruit Ninja. What will you call Sonic if he’s an emo? Sonic the Edgy hog. Why would the emo swallow a clock? So he could wake up inside. Why are Emos still around? Because the suffering never ends. What is the best way to get an emo off your balcony? You encourage them. What kind of bath bomb does an Emo prefer? A toaster. What is the favourite game of an emo? Hangman. Why do people wish their lawn grass was emo? So it could cut itself. A group of friends started an emo salsa band. They call themselves HisPanic at the Disco. What is the difference between pizza and emo pizza? Emo pizza kind of cuts itself.

gus
in Queen

queen elizabeth died a couple weeks ago im still trying to find the reboot catd

Leighton

I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party came up for the weekend at the end of the week I was going to get my birthday cake for the day

A PERSON :)
in Sister

There was once a young sister who never got anything good for her birthday, and she was sick of it. So one day the girl asked for a puppy, and the parents said yes. When she got the puppy, he was nice. But the puppy needed food every two minutes. The parents eventually the parents got sick of it and came up with a plan. Two weeks passed and the younger and less fat sister asked where her other sister was as she wanted to play barbies. “And also, why haven’t you been feeding the dog? He needs food you know.” The parents only answered with “oh! Yes, you can have a room all to yourself now. And about the puppy..he won’t need feeding for years.”

Anonymous
in Roast

yo hair so big it took me weeks to find the needle in it

Linda

People always ask what the secret of our families happiness is. It is simple really. 1 Television and computer games are limited to a couple of hours each week. 2. We all give each other a hand when needed. Last but not least we play twister.