water's jokes

Why can't Jesus walk on water anymore?

Because he has holes in his feet.

Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.

Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.

Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."

What's the only gun that doesn't exist in Africa?

A water gun.

The twin towers are like water bottles.

It's all right if you knock them down as long as you pick up the mess.

Me (an adult) with my girl going to a nice restaurant, I asked the waiter, "People under 12 eat free, right?" The waiter confirmed that yes, people under 12 eat free, then my girlfriend said, "But I'm 13."

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.

Why do orphans use water for their cereal?

Because their dad never came back with the milk.

Why did little Timmy dip the cookie in water?

"Because his dad never brought the milk."

Kid. What is an orphan's favorite breakfast?

Teacher. What?

Kid. Fruity pebbles with water.

Teacher. Why water?

Kid. Cause his dad never came back with the milk.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pal of water. Me: incorrect, two pals of water, one to refresh from running up a hill and the one you went to get. I’m sick af from these stories.

Why do dolphins live in salt water?

Because pepper water would make them sneeze!

If you want KFC, pour water on a poor person outside our restaurant and film it.

Why do orphans use water for cereal? Cause their dad never came back with the milk.

Why do orphans always have water with their cereal?

Their dad never came back with the milk!

Why does an orphan use water for his cereal?

He is waiting for his dad with the milk.

Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.

"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.

"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.

"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."

1. You're so dumb, you think Cheerios are donut seeds!

2. You're so fat, you could sell shade!

3. You're just like coconut water, nobody likes you!

4. Have you been shopping lately? Because they're selling lives around the corner, you should go get one!

If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence!!

Are these good?

One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."

Dark humor is like water.

Not everybody gets it.