Usualness jokes

You see, my son is very into astronomy.

Son: How do stars die?

Dad: Usually overdose, son.

I'm such an asshole to my son, my wife divorced me.

Where are virgins usually born?

Virginia.

What do you call a seven who's not feeling well? A sick seven

Where did Sally go after stepping onto the minefield? Everywhere

Getting a girlfriend is just like parking a car; usually all the good ones are taken, so you just gotta stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.

"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."

What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.

I have good faith in the glue police. They usually stick to their word.

Why are cheetahs the best animals?

The cheetah is the fastest land animal in the world. They can reach a top speed of around 113 km per hour.

A cheetah can accelerate from 0 to 113 km in just a few seconds.

Cheetahs are extremely fast; however, they tire quickly and can only keep up their top speed for a few minutes before they are too tired to continue.

Cheetahs are smaller than other members of the big cat family, weighing only 45 – 60 kilograms.

One way to always recognize a cheetah is by the long, black lines which run from the inside of each eye to the mouth. These are usually called “tear lines,” and scientists believe they help protect the cheetah’s eyes from the harsh sun and help them to see long distances.

Cheetahs are the only big cat that cannot roar. They can purr though and usually purr most loudly when they are grooming or sitting near other cheetahs.

While lions and leopards usually do their hunting at night, cheetahs hunt for food during the day.

A cheetah has amazing eyesight during the day and can spot prey from 5 km away.

Cheetahs cannot climb trees and have poor night vision.

With their light body weight and blunt claws, cheetahs are not well designed to protect themselves or their prey. When a larger or more aggressive animal approaches a cheetah in the wild, it will give up its catch to avoid a fight.

Cheetahs only need to drink once every three to four days.

I usually don't make 9/11 jokes, but they just are fire.

I might have to back down on this because it is usually aimed for little children.

Me: I been up all night, no sleep--

The lie detector I didn’t know I had: Lie.

Me: stfu! I’m just singing!

Lie detector: You literally listen to music all the time... you almost don’t even sleep!

Me: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID TOU SAY IT’S A LIE, WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T SLEEP?!

Lie detector: It’s 3:00 AM in 8 minutes, you usually close your eyes to sleep when it’s 5:00 AM... You get waken up at 7:00 AM... you only sleep two hours......

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

You know how sometimes you want to listen to music?

But everything you listen to is just supremely unsatisfying, even if it's songs you usually love; they are just so unappealing, and you have no idea what you actually want to listen to.

When you see a woman with a leg chain, what usually comes to your mind?

What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?

School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.

What do royals and hot dogs have in common?

They're usually in bread.

What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?

They usually don’t live to tell the tale.

Why are school shootings branded “very American”?

1. They usually happen in the USA.

2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.

Two muffins are sitting in a bar.

The first muffin says to the bartender, "I'll have the usual."

The second one does not say anything to the bartender because muffins lack the vocal ability of humans, and even with the proper anatomy capable of speech access, they would most certainly be entirely unable to comprehend the human language. In fact, the first muffin would indefinitely not be able to provide speech to the bartender. The muffins also lack the muscular structure to be capable of support themselves to being suspended also preventing their access to movement. Even with the human-like structure, muffins lack brains, which are an essential part of being able to send nerve contact within the legs to be able to move. Also, with them lacking a brain structure entirely prevents them from speech. The anatomy simply prohibits the food items mentioned to be able to carry out any of the tasks required to get them to said bar and be able to speak, thus making the situation untruthful and completely idiotic.

What should orphans do when their parents aren’t there? The usual.

I usually tell jokes about Kobe, but they usually crash and burn.