Once my cat was playing video games. I was OVERWATCHing him.
I asked him to PAWS the game. He then hissed at me. I was surprised; he usually has a good PURRsonality. He said he YARNED to play the game.
Jokes about the Twin Towers and planes usually crash and burn.
When I get naked in the bathroom... the shower usually gets turned on!
You don't usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days.
But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: "Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!"
Yeah, I stopped joking about 9/11. My jokes usually just ended up crashing and burning.
My puns drive people nuts; this is usually when I bolt away.
Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"
Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."
The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."
The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"
Why are women like diapers?
They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
I usually hang up Halloween decorations,
but this year I'm gonna be the decoration.
What is the difference between whores and nuns?
Nuns usually discover their own chosen vocation. Whores usually have their vocation chosen by pimps.
I don't ever really bother women, but when I do, I usually just want to talk. I guess since I just so happened to be a straight male that's not a 10 or a 5, I get shutdown so fast. I put out lit candles...like damn, I thought I hid my ring.
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner. There's usually 90 degrees.
I might have to back down on this because it is usually aimed for little children.
What do inner city schools and databases have in common?
Their problems are usually caused by a race condition.
How do stars die? Usually a overdose in an airport.
I don't usually make 9/11 jokes. They always go down in flames.
How do you f**k a duck?
Usually duck a f**k.
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is usually a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
I don't usually like to tell 9/11 jokes for two reasons: they're morally wrong, and they tend to crash and burn.
I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.
And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."
