“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”
I don’t understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy, It usually takes me days
People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer, that at least i can scan my worth at the supermarket.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
Whats the difference between a school bus and my Dad’s van?
Schools buses usually don’t have screaming and crying children
Why do they bury Germans 20 feet down when they die, instead of the usual 6 feet? Because deep down, Germans are ok.
A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her.”
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, “So… did you get any head?”
The guy replies, “No, I couldn’t find it.”
Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children and this time he was working at a kid’s birthday party. He walked in and said “Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel.” He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said “And for my final trick; I will disappear!” He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone. Then, the birthday boy said “Hey, he’s like my dad.” “Really” asked a little girl? “I guessed?” he said back, “My dad wasn’t a magician, but he disappeared. I haven’t seen him since…”
My son, who is into astronomy, asked my how stars die i said usually from a overdose
I have good faith in the glue police. They usually stick to their word.
What did the momma grape say to the pappa grape?
Raisin are kids is usually pretty fun, but some times they get sunburn and I have to take them to the doctor for dry skin.
i tried a pun about water but people “sea” right through it, and when people complain they are usually just being a beach
A man walks into a bar, the corrections officer says “Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!”
What do royals and hot dogs have in common?
They’re usually in bread
where are virgins usually born? Virginia
wanna know why to not joke about 911? They usually crash the party
So, I was getting on a plane, and the pilot does his usual speech talking about altitude and what not with the microphone, and he forgets to turn it off, so after the speech I heard him and the co pilot talking about what they were doing after work, and whatnot, then the pilot said he was dying for a blowjob and a coffee, so a stewardess ran to the pilots cabin, and then left about 15 minutes later, and the pilot shouted “Next time don’t forget the coffee!”
Im treated like god when im home, im usually ignored until someone wants something.
You don’t usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days. But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: “Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!”
If you ever get cold just go to a corner because they usually 90 degrees.