Usualness jokes
Symptoms of Schizophrenia
The symptoms of this condition are fairly easy to recognize because they stand out so distinctly from a person’s usual behavior. In order for a diagnosis to be made, the person must suffer from two more of the following for at least one month:
Delusions
Hallucinations
A computer usually has a HARD drive. LESSON. No wonder they remember things.
Why do science jokes usually get no reaction?
Because they're so boron!
What’s the difference between 69 and High School?
In 69 you usually only kiss one c*nt and look at one a**hole.
Why don't Jedis make puns that often?
They usually have to force them. (I hate myself for that!)
How come orphans know how to do laundry?
Cause that's usually the mom's job.
Q. What hits the ground first when falling out of a tree, a leaf or an emo kid? A. A leaf. There is usually a rope to stop the emo kid.
Why do most clips for automatic weapons have 32 bullets?
That's usually how many kids are in a classroom.
What's the difference between taking a shit and the Ottawa police force?
Usually taking a shit only requires one ass wipe!
I don't ever really bother women, but when I do, I usually just want to talk. I guess since I just so happened to be a straight male that's not a 10 or a 5, I get shutdown so fast. I put out lit candles...like damn, I thought I hid my ring.
I just came across a pile of cash in the parking lot.
Usually I just use tissues.
A nun went to the pub and ordered a gin. The bartender said to her, "I thought nuns weren’t allowed to drink?" and she said, "Not usually, but I am doing the bishop a favor."
The bartender then asked if she was coming to the music evening, and she said, "No, I am with the bishop tonight."
What is the difference between whores and nuns?
Nuns usually discover their own chosen vocation. Whores usually have their vocation chosen by pimps.
Me: I been up all night, no sleep--
The lie detector I didn’t know I had: Lie.
Me: stfu! I’m just singing!
Lie detector: You literally listen to music all the time... you almost don’t even sleep!
Me: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID TOU SAY IT’S A LIE, WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T SLEEP?!
Lie detector: It’s 3:00 AM in 8 minutes, you usually close your eyes to sleep when it’s 5:00 AM... You get waken up at 7:00 AM... you only sleep two hours......
Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing?
Except at a funeral.
You know how sometimes you want to listen to music?
But everything you listen to is just supremely unsatisfying, even if it's songs you usually love; they are just so unappealing, and you have no idea what you actually want to listen to.
I tried a pun about water, but people "sea" right through it, and when people complain, they are usually just being a beach.
How do stars die? Usually a overdose in an airport.
What do old people and meth heads have in common? They usually trip over their balls.
How are boobs and toys similar?
Both were originally made for kids, but dads usually end up playing with them.