I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.
They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.
It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.
I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...
I used to be emo.
What caused Captain Hook's death?
He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.
You know I used to call my dogs' balls the Twin Towers, until they came rumbling down.
What’s the difference between a chicken and an orphan?
The chicken is actually used for something.
I can tell you used to be friends with your hairline, cuz it goes way back.
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
Yo forehead so big, an airplane can use that as a runway!
This isn’t a joke. Quiet kid jokes are so cliché. Like since when was there an original quiet kid joke like smh. Doesn’t help because I’m a quiet kid and people act as if I’m so dangerous and it’s like the only thing they say to me. Being judged as some big bad monster for being AN INTROVERT!! These jokes used to be funny to me, but now I’m just sick of them...
If God didn’t mean for us to have sex with 11-year-old girls, why did he make them so sexy and so much physically weaker?
What is the best shield to use during a battle? The emo kid.
Our teacher told us to write a story about the life of an object that's not alive, so I wrote a story about an emo kid.
Why did the wetback cross the river? To get to the US.
Why is the US so bad at Clash Royale? Because they already lost two towers.
drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns
What does a disabled disco play?
"When your legs don’t work like they used to before."
Whats the difference between an orphan and a pencil , People actually have a use for one of them
Grandma: You guy's generation is on too much technology.
Kid: Well, you're the ones that raised us.
Other family members: ...
