US jokes

My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower.

🤔 What do Polish people 🇵🇱 🇵🇱 🇵🇱 in Poland do with 📰 📰 📰 📰 newspapers 📰 📰 📰 📰 after they are done reading them?

Use them for toilet paper. 🧻 🧻 🧻 🧻 😆 😄

What did the butt cheek say to the other when you open us a big order of "choochie man" comes out?

I used to work at a bank, then I lost interest.

How's your day going?

Shut up, I didn't ask.

Use code tiko#teamfish

What did Santa use as a candy cane?

Wait, wait, I said it wrong.

Okay.

What did Santa use to do his garden...never mind.

What operating system do Indian scammers use?

"Window licker XP."

Three guys are escaping from North Korea through a tunnel.

The guards know that they are coming and will shoot them with paintball guns as a warning.

The guys show up and the guards shoot them.

The guys die because the guards used real guns.

When your friend gets involved with someone, it affects the friendship. Whenever a friend of mine has a new girlfriend, we should say I looked like the person you used to know, but I've been modified to survive in this relationship. If we have an argument and she's there, I might disagree with you; I'd rather continue to see her naked.

I ask my sister why the Chinese owner brings us free food all the time.

My sister said to me "I love him long time."

I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.

I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.

If Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun, does that mean that every country is a 3rd world country?

Yo ass so fat that you can't see your toes.

When you go to the movies, you take up seven rows.

You wanna know the difference between a rake and your mom? The rake is actually useful.

What kind of Panera Bread do pencils use?

Panera Lead.

What kind of Panera Bread do fishers use?

Panera bait.

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

Know the nuclear bombs of the world.

🇷🇺🧨 a “bad” bomb

🇨🇳🧨 “ww3”

🇬🇧🧨 a “good” bomb

🇺🇸🧨 Japanese area testing

🇮🇱🧨 what bomb

🇮🇷🧨 just self defence

I can make a living with the "Treat Yo self" budget.

Yet I can’t use the "Help yo self" budget.

Q) What shampoo and conditioner did Stephen use?

A) Head and Shoulders.

Q) What’s Stephen’s favorite food?

A) Shoulders.

For real tho RIP Stephen Hawking 💕