Ups jokes

Why couldn’t the bike stand up?

Because it was “two tired”!

"Is Mrs. Wall here?"

"No."

"Is Mr. Wall here?"

"No."

"Then what is holding up the walls?"

All these sea monster jokes are just kraken me up.

I despise lumberjacks. They are always barking up the wrong tree, all bark and no bite.

They just need to leaf people alone or stick with something nicer.

Are you an egg, because you crack me up?

Are you a lightbulb, cuz you brighten up my day?

Fuck you people who made those jokes! (but some were funny but the starving one is messed up!)

I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."

I once had a trash can as a girlfriend.

I was ready to break up with her, but all she had to say was, "Please don't dump me!" Then I said, "Sorry, I'm ready to take out the trash."

An astronomer walked up to me and I was like, "Give me some space..."

Are you getting the funnies?

What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person

You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message

A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love, she is always on top?

Donald Trump can only F@#k up.

A pair of souls were floating up to heaven when they passed a pair of eagles.

"Ah, eagles," said the souls. The eagles were too polite to say anything.

Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"

The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.

Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."

How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.

How do you get them back out? Straw.

Yo mama so short, she wakes up every day in a brick house singing “Everything is Awesome”.

You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.

I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.