Ups

Ups jokes

A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"

The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."

The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."

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    • A farmer walks up to his farmer neighbor with a jug of milk. The farmer says, "I milked your cow." The neighbor replies, "I have a bull, not a cow."

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    • The boy ran into the gym, why?

    Because he wanted to ketch-up with everyone. Also, he got pun-ishment from his "momster."

    A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

    This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

    "Of course," she says.

    The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

    The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"

    So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child.

    Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," says Satan, "What is it?"

    The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl."

    Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?"

    The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."

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    • Bambi was calmly eating grass. All of a sudden, a red dot pointed near his heart caught his attention. He looked around anxiously, and he saw a man in camouflage. He whispered, "Time to join mother, Bambi!" Bambi knew what this meant. He ran. He heard a gunshot, followed by a wave of extreme pain. Bambi fell to the ground. He glanced at his leg, which was no longer attached to his body. The man in camouflage came up to him and stabbed him in the heart. Everything went black...

    One day, in the Serengeti, a zebra started wondering if he was a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. So he goes around asking all the animals. He never gets his answer.

    One fateful day, he dies and goes to Heaven. In Heaven, the zebra gets an idea. "I will go ask God!" So, he asks God, and God chuckles. "You are what you are!"

    The zebra gets sad. He walks around and his dead zebra friend shows up. He asks, "What is wrong?" The zebra answers, "Well, I asked God if I was either a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. He just replied 'You are what you are!'"

    His friend says, "Oh! You are a white horse with black stripes! Why? Because he would have said 'You is what you is!'"

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    • Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were out on a hike. They had been going all day, so they decided to make camp and stay for the night. They both woke up at 3 A.M.

    Holmes said, "Look up, Watson, what can you see?"

    "Judging from the position of the stars, it looks like it's about 3 A.M."

    "What else, Watson?"

    "It looks like it will be a beautiful day tomorrow."

    "What Else, Watson?"

    "What am I supposed to see, Holmes?"

    "Elementary my dear Watson, someone stole our tent!"

    When the emo kid hangs himself and the autistic kid thinks that it's a piñata... BATTER UP TO THE PLATE!

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    • Yo mama is so ugly, when there was a tornado, the tornado refused to suck her up.

    A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

    And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."

    A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."

    The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"

    The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."

    A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.

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