Unexpected jokes
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Q. What does a Russian girl do when she gets unexpectedly pregnant?
A. Has an abortion.
He turns, he shoots!
And that is a horrible end to the Grand National...
My mom told me to look for a bill in her file at her home office. Instead, I grabbed my sister's adoption papers.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
I got the joke from my brother.
Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
I'm in school lol.
I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said, "My turn!"
A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.
The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."
Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.
Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.
After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.
Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"
The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."
I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? Yeah, he woke up.
He placed the chocolates and the flowers down beside her.
Silence...
And then at last she spoke...
"Unexpected item in the bagging area."
When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.
My granddad died in Auschwitz in WW2...
He fell from a tower.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
Wow, Heaven's a lot hotter than I thought it'd be.
Me: punching a kid.
My FBI agent: You're adopted.
So the fire alarm went off, but as soon as they walked out of the classroom, the only fire they saw was out of a gun.
A man walked into a toilet and saw a woman fingering a man and said, "I think you're doing it wrong." Turns out it was two transvestites.
We hired this boy to pick up dog poop. We just remembered that we don't have a dog.
Why do orphans love having sex?
Because they can finally call somebody "daddy."