Unexpected jokes

I saw an ISIS video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.

The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.

I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.

Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.