Twos jokes

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?

An American.

Two emos are dating, and the most romantic thing they have ever done is slit each other's wrists.

Two magicians were in a competition. The first one did magic, and the second started counting down, "3, 2," but before he said the last number, he 1.

Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy).

Q: What state is surrounded by the most water? A: Hawaii (this is really just a trick riddle).

Q: David's father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and what's the third son's name? A: David.

So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.

Why were there two boys on the bay?

Because they were gay!

If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?

Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!

I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?"

She replied, "Two or three."

Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.

Well on the positive side: the Mexicans will probably want to pay for, and build, that wall at this point! Maybe the Canadians as well; two free walls!

Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.

My girlfriend is so fat, she looked into the mirror and said, "Woah, there are two of me!"

Girl: Come over.

Orphan: I can’t.

Girl: My parents aren’t home ;)

Orphan: Just two things I don’t have.

Two skeletons meet at the graveyard at noon.

"What the heck are you doing here?"

"I couldn't sleep."

I got pranked so many times. Once I saw two wheels rolling down the street. I heard this noise. I looked behind me. There's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming, "HELP! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!" but I walked away. I knew it was a prank.

Genders are like the Twin Towers because there used to be two, now it's just a sensitive subject.

What do you call 2 nuns and a prostitute that play football?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."

My dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, he said nothing.

If you're reading this, you are Nickel and Gallium......

Ni- ........*something else in between the two halves*................Ga

YOU FUCKING MONKEYS!

How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.