Two jokes
An officer confronts two congressmen.
He informs them, \"I’m looking for a couple of child molesters.\"
The two look at each other, turn to the officer and exclaim, \"Sure! We’ll do it!\"
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"
The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."
Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"
What do you call a closet with two lesbians inside?
A liquor cabinet.
Why is America so bad at playing chess?
They lost two towers.
Why did Adolf Hitler wish he had two nuts?
Because he only had one.
What did one sperm say to the other while swimming side by side?
One turns to the other and asks, "How much further to the fallopian tubes?"
The other says, "I’m not sure, we just passed the esophagus."
Why can't two eggs tell jokes?
Because they will crack each other up!
How do you think they found out cows produce milk?
Two kids having fun in the barn.
The terrorists suck at [something]. They lost two times to the Twin Towers? Like, how do you land so far from it? One of them landed in a field.
What do you call two natives in a sleeping bag?
Twix.
What do you call two natives in a ditch?
A sleepover.
What has two wings and an arrow?
A Chinese telephone. "Wing Wing Arrow!"
In England, for every church, there are two pubs.
In Poland, for every pub, there are two churches.
My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"
What does Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?
They both use 30-year-old meat in between two-year-old buns.
What did the World Trade Center order from Domino's Pizza?
They ordered two large planes.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
Why can’t the USA play chess?
Because they lost their two towers.
Why was the two-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?
A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.