Travel jokes

Welcome onboard Sexist Airlines. Everyone, please fasten your seatbelts now as we are switching to a female pilot.

Why did Sally get to go to Hawaii for free?

She washed up on the beach.

pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.

passengers: *start freaking out*

pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.

passengers: *sigh with relief*

pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.

Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.

What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?

•Terminal

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."

The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."

The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."

I ate a time machine once, it was very time-consuming. Especially when I went back four seconds.

what is the fastest country? iran.

I decided to visit Saudi Arabia with my girlfriend.

She and I learned they celebrate Pride month by throwing stones.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat.

She said nothing, so I took her to Africa.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

A man asked his girlfriend what she wanted to eat one night, and she said "Chinese food," so he took her to China. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Indian," so he took her to India. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Nothin'," so he took her to Africa.

A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane.

The German sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Germany." The others ask, "How do you know?" The German says, "Because it's so cold."

Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Australia." The others ask, "How do you know?" He replies, "Because it's so warm."

Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says, "We are in Mexico." The others ask, "How do you know?" He says, "Because my watch is gone."

Why don't black people go on cruises? They're not falling for that one again.

What's simultaneously up and down?

A retard on a plane.

A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here!”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

Why do orphans go to the ancient pyramids for vacation?

In hope to find a mummy.

Q: How come in airports, they park the planes outside?

A: They don't belong in buildings.