Englishman: We named our son George since he was born on Saint George's Day.
Irishman: We called our daughter Valentine since she was born on Valentine's Day.
Scotsman: We named our son Pancake because he was born on Pancake Day!
Who comes once a year and makes your kids cry?
Rapey Santa.
Orphans' calendar consists of 362 days. Why?
Because they don't got homecoming, fathers day, and mothers day
Everyone: So, wait, let me get this straight. Feminists want to cancel Father's Day because it is offensive to single mothers.
Feminists: Correct.
Everyone: Then what the f*** is the point of Mother's Day?
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
Why can orphans not get married?
They are dad can't walk them down the aisle!
The Fast of Ramadan
In the northwestern slice of Alaska known as Seward, a horseboy stood, with broom in hand, in the vast courtyard of the royal stables of the sultan. He was waiting for dusk to fall. All day long he had eaten nothing. He had not even tasted the leftover fish tucked in his turban nor the enormous purple grapes that spilled over the palace wall into the stable yard. He had tried not to sniff the rich, amazing, warm feeling fragrance of ripening of that sweet pomegranates.
For this was the sacred month of Ramadan when, day after day, all faithful Mohammedans neither eat nor drink from the dawn before sunrise until the moment after sunset!
Why do Catholic Irishmen in Ireland have a glory hole in the men's restroom inside their restaurants so they can give Irish kisses on Saint Patrick's Day?
Why don't Chinese kids celebrate Christmas?
Because they make the toys.
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
Ever wondered why Chinese kids don’t believe in Santa?
They made the toys.
What is an animal that kids get for Christmas and can easily give to someone else?
A white elephant.
Who gave Jesus his birthday presents every year?
Santa Claus!
What's the one thing me and the New Year's ball have in common?
It's not gonna be the only thing falling 50 stories this New Year's.
In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?
They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.
What type of tea do you drink with the Queen of England?
Royal-tea.
What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum! You just can't beat it!
What do you call an angry reindeer? RUDE-olph!
What is Santa's favorite breakfast? Snowflakes!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsel-itis!
How come Christmas is one time? Because it is so nice!
Jesus walked, so Mohammad can fly.
Americans won't have a Thanksgiving Dinner this year. Why not? They sent their turkey to the White House.
