Three kids one day found a magic slide. There was a sign next to it that said, "Slide down and your wish will come true." The first kid slid down and wished for a chocolate river. He landed in a chocolate river.
When the 2nd kid slid down he wished for a bunch of money. He landed in a pile of money.
Finally, the 3rd kid slid down, and he said, "WEEEE!!!!!!"
Did you know emo kids are the highest jumpers in the world? Some are still up there!
Why couldn't an eagle do a barrel roll? It's oblivious, it's il-eagle.
We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.
But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.
My hopes and dreams.
How do you surprise a blind guy?
Say, "Surprise!"
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
The nut is so solid, it’s peanut brittle.
I want an almond-flavored biscuit.
I want an almond-flavored biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am!
Cashew, see, I'm nuts about you!?
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.
But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!
Where's your mom?
In the bin.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite event? Their birthday!
Why do orphans pick apples? Because that's the only thing they can pick.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
