Worst Jokes Ever

Worst Jokes Ever

My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"..

They soon stopped though, when I started to do the same to them at funerals.

How did we know Princess Diana had dandruff?

'Cause the police found her Head and Shoulders on the dash.

A: What's the similarity between your girlfriend and the sun?

B: They're both hot?

A: They're both massive.

Dad: I'm dying.

Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].

Dad: Really, now is not the time.

Son: I'm sorry.

Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."

The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."

The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

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    • Why did a woman believe she was a target? She had a price tag without any value to it.

    There’s so many protests. Every time I see "my body, my choice," I can’t tell if we’re protesting the masks or trying to kill babies.

    What did the girls on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

    "Could you move? Your sun is in my son."

    What does McDonald's and a paedophile have in common?

    They both like sticking their meat in ten-year-olds.

    I snorted a line of coke off my 8-year-old sister’s tiny prepubescent vag. She just laid there and let me do it without complaining, probably because she was already dead.

    What do you call an Indian with a wooden leg? Shit on a stick.

    What do you call an Indian with two wooden legs? A waste of lumber.

    Best way to trick your friends:

    A brick falls out of a plane.

    How do you put an elephant in the fridge? Open the door, put him in, and close the door.

    How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Open the door, take the poor elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.

    The animal kingdom is throwing a party, all the animals are there except for one, who? The giraffe, because he's still in the fridge.

    Sally needs to cross the river that is known to be filled with deadly crocodiles, but she crossed safely, how? Because the crocodiles are at the party, but Sally still dies after crossing the river, how? Because she was hit by the flying brick.

    Fancy playing rodeo sex?

    "OK then," she said!

    Then put your dick in her ass and say it’s not as tight as your sister’s ass and hold on for dear life... real life cow bow boy shit!

    But she hasn't tried the position with her new boyfriend, so she invites him to a romantic dinner.

    After dinner, she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it, but her boyfriend was clueless about such acts, so she tells him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 position. She starts sucking him off and starts waiting for him to do the same, but the bf didn't know what to do, so he just lay there. Suddenly, the girl had an urge to fart but held it in because her asshole was right near his bf's face. Suddenly, she loses control and lets one out. She apologizes profusely and continues sucking him. A couple of minutes later, she feels the urge again and lets another fart rip near his face. The BF throws the girl from the couch, gets up, and says, "Bitch if you think I'll be lying here for 67 more of those, you're fucking crazy."