Worst Jokes Ever
Why do bugs hate the internet?
Because they always get caught.
Get it? Inter-net?
What do you call a warrior that's going to bed?
A knight knight.
What’s Stephan Hawking's favorite dance move?
The robot.
"Hotel Rwanda" has a high score on Rotten Tomatoes, but their Yelp reviews are terrible.
If someone calls you dirty minded just say:
"You are dirty minded as well if you understand what I'm saying."
What are fish not allowed to have?
Seaweed.
I don't think I'm allergic to this.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They can't find home.
A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.
The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."
The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."
A man is pulled over by a police officer.
The policeman approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem, Officer?"
The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The officer says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?!"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his own car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please?"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?"
The man opens the trunk, but there is nothing there.
The officer says, "Is this your car, sir?"
The man says, "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs through his pockets, pulls out a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
"Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
If the UK is 6 hours ahead of us, why didn't they just warn us about 9/11?
I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.
He said the ATM outside.
Why do orphans only have 363 days?
They don’t have Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
what do you call an emo person who's not depressed?
dead.
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."
What does Jeffrey Dahmer and Travis Scott have in common?
Eight dead people.
An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."