Worst Jokes Ever
Blonde: Can I suck you off? (has STDs on mouth)
Me: Naw (drake turn/dab)
Would you rather:
Fight Mike Tyson
Or
Lick an elephant's butt after it took a crap with diarrhea?
You’re so lame, you don’t have a superpower!
"Yah, I do!"
Oh yeah? What is it?
"My diaphragm contracts and moves downwards into my chest cavity and my lungs expand!"
That’s breathing, Jim.
"NO IT’S NOT, JACOB, YOU CAN’T PROVE IT!"
What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
Carlost.
What’s a cow with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse's pain to the father's nervous system.
He agrees and the doctors turn the dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby and the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.
Hey, Mom, I am ugly.
"Facts," my mom says.
African Kid: "Mom, can we have water?"
Mom: "Sure, it's in the house."
African Kid: *Goes to the fridge and opens the door searching for cold water*
The fridge: ERROR 404 Water Not Found
I like my girls like my file systems...
FAT and 16.
A husband walks into the bedroom door holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asked what that was for.
"It is for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
He smiles. "Gotcha!!!!"
Me: Hey, do you wanna hear a joke?
Friend: Sure.
Me: Why don't churches have WiFi?
Friend: Why?
Me: They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.
So when my parents say no to "isms," I say, "Can I be homophobic?"
Welcome to Blind Date. With me, Stevie Wonder!
Q: What’s a koala's face song? A: Never gonna give you up BECAUSE it hangs on the tree and the person is the tree?
Why do fat cows eat fat cows? Because I wrote this in America.
What do kids with cancer and cancer jokes have in common?
CANCER!
Just kidding, they are both fun to laugh at.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
When you're going to Titanic: It's the best ship in the world.
When you know it's sinking: It's the poor ship!
Why did the Titanic and the iceberg hate each other?
Because the Titanic hit it.
What car do elves drive?
Toy-yodas.