Worst Jokes Ever

Your entire family tree must be a cactus, because everyone in your family is such a prick.

What do you call a gay guy on the BBQ?

LGBBQ.

Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

Dmitri! Where's my vodka?

What is another name for a stupid fish?

"Dum bass."

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

I was going to buy a watch today, but I didn't have time.

What do you call a dog that tells the time?

A watchdog.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving; you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

So a girl says, "You're so ugly to me," and she says, "I’m the prettiest girl." I say, "Yeah, a pretty girl for an ogre 👹!"

Josh: What’s the useless piece of skin around the vagina called?

Daniel: Isn’t it the women?

Josh: Oh yes, that’s right.

I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"

"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.

The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"

Alternative punchline:

"I had to call social services, she was only 14."

What's the emergency number, Jimmy?

Jimmy: 9/11!

Why were the Twin Towers mad?

They ordered a pepperoni pizza, but only got plane.

Yo mama so fat, when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?

I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.

What type of tea do you drink with the Queen of England?

Royal-tea.

So, I was in the bathroom at school washing up, and this girl walked out of the stall and she was like, "Hey, can you make me laugh? I have been having a pretty bad day." And I was like, "Sure." I was like, "Come here." So she came over to me. I was like, "Girl, look at yourself in the mirror." And she started laughing so hard, and she said, "I'm so ugly."

What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a computer?

I don't know, I have both!

If a girl jumps off a cliff, some people call it suicide and some call it girl power, but I call it BULLSHIT.