Worst Jokes Ever
What kind of file turns a 1.5 cm hole into a 4.5 cm hole?
A pedophile.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Crippling depression.
Crippling depression who--?
Me.
What do you call someone who used to kill people? An ex-executioner.
Jack and Jill went up the hill 'cause Jack took a Viagra.
Jill was drunk, fell to her knee, Jack had his chance, did Jill till 3.
So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.
On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"
Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.
On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.
On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"
Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"
Why was the Koala Bear so clever?
Because he had good koalifications!
Why did Sally get a black eye?
Because she tried to play patty cake.
What is red, green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?
...A girl scout that got hit by a car.
How do you kill a little boy?
You throw him between two Catholic priests.
Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*
Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?
Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~
What's the difference between genocide and mass murder?
Genocide is racist.
Curiosity killed the cat.
But for a while, I was a suspect.
What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day?
"Deja moo!"
What was the last thing that went through Aiden's head before he died?
His elbow.
What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?
At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.
Why is the sun mad at the clouds?
The clouds keep throwing shade.
What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
Snow balls.
"I’m sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.
*bowl of dark grapes*
Friend 1: I like my grapes how I like my men.
Friend 2: Black? Good one.
Friend 1: 21 at a time.
What's the worst part of breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You have to drop the bomb twice until she finally gets it.