Worst Jokes Ever

I took an Uber home the other day, and the bastard was swerving all over the road and driving on the shoulder... I said, "Who the f*ck taught you to drive?" To this, he replied, "Stevie Wonder."

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Both of their greatest hits are "the wall."

Can't wait for the orphans to have their family reunion! Wait...

I was going to tell a dead baby joke...

I decided to abort.

What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermit's finger.

Where do pedophiles go hunting?

Elementary schools.

Look at a bag of black grapes. See how dark they are? That’s how I like my men.

25 at a time.

Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".

What's black and sits on the bottom of the stairs to the cellar?

Steven Hawking where the experiments went wrong.

Cunt.

Why can't pirates play cards? Because they're standing on the deck.

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger... then it hit me.

What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?

They can both do dirty things.

Your daddy must be a drug dealer, because you're dope.

How did the flight attendant want their burger?

Just plane!

Why did the zookeeper lose his job? For choking the chicken and spanking the monkey!

What do you do when a baby starts to cry?

You use more lube.

Now touring: Stephen Hawking unplugged.

Who is the biggest slut in the world? Ms. Pacman, because you give her 25 cents and she swallows balls until she dies.

Csgo is just practice for when you want to one tap some 3rd graders