Worst Jokes Ever
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.
A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then the lethal dose would be a lifetime supply.
You look like a 2020 hologram of COVID-19.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
YOU HAVE AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE WAITING FOR YOU...
I started crying when my dad was chopping onions.
Onions was such a good dog!
How do you make Stephen Hawking mad?
You turn off the WiFi router.
What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?
Cash and carry.
Why did the Canadian cross the road?
To say sorry to the other side.
Knock knock. Who's there? Ya. Ya who? Sorry, I prefer Google.
If Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they would be great ALLOYS!
Why does the sky think it's so powerful?
Because it's always looking down on us.
So, a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I’ll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says, "Alright, so a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink." The bartender says, "I’ll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says, "So a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink." The bartender says, "I’ll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says, "So a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink." The bartender says, "Okay, here you go." So he gives the guy a drink, so he gives the guy a drink, so he gives the guy a drink.
What does a transgender call his/her parent?
Transparent.
Your mama is so short, she does backflips under her bed.
Which fish is the most famous?
The star fish!
Knock knock! Who's there? Deja. Deja who? Knock knock!
Q: What do you call a cranky cow?
A: Moooooooody.
What does Drake call his rake?
Da-Rake.
You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.
But I also think I screwed it up.