Worst Jokes Ever
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
How do you tell the difference between a Palestinian elementary school and a terrorist training camp?
Answer... I don't know, I just fly the drone.
Why did Helen Keller wear skin tight pants?
So you could read her lips.
So, a daughter goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" He then tells her, "You know what to do." So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust, and says, "Ugh, tastes like shit." Her dad then said, "Damn, I forgot your brother took the car."
I was 11 or 12 at the time.
Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...
If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.
Why did the orphan not have a girlfriend?
Because he thought that she would leave him too.
Teacher: Why did the skeleton know the weather outside?
Student: 'Cause he could feel it in his bones.
Teacher: No, he read the weather report, you fucking idiot.
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.
Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.
She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."
Why did Joey drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a truck. (Don't worry, the truck was fine.)
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They can't ever find home.
Bob Ross fighting in Vietnam. "They're in the happy little trees, shoot the happy little trees and bushes!"
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.
Did you hear about the two-car pile-up in Mexico? Yeah like 200 Mexicans died.
What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas?
AIDS.
What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A pool table.
Rape jokes are the funniest thing to ever exist.
"Guess how I got to Germany so fast?"
"Because I was Russian!"