Took jokes

I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.

Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

I played Uno with my Mexican friend.

That bastard took all the green cards!

Your children grew up faster than it took you to leave for the milk.

Once I took a test on waving signal flags.

They said I passed with flying colors.

You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.

Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.

But at least lemonade came out!

What happened to the cheetah that took too many baths?

The cheetah became spotless!

The orphan's best friend wanted to meet his family, so he took a selfie.

A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

It looks like Kevin Magnussen finally got pole position.

He has the bragging rights that he took over Russia now.

Your friend is so fat, when he took the group pic, he was the background.

Your hairline is so far back my dad even took 48 hours to reach it.

I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

I was at a concert in the front row, and I shouted something to the band's guitarist. He took it the wrong way and responded: "I'm going to go down there and hit you with my guitar!"

And I replied: "Is that a death fret?"

This morning I woke up, then took a bath with some chocolate mud. At first, when I turned the damn flossers on, I noticed it wasn't water. It was all chocolate mud, and now my body is all chocolatey.

I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So I took away his towers, and he took away my queen.

I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.

Because obviously she doesn’t listen.

Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.

I asked an angel, "How did I die?"

"Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."