Told jokes

I told an emo kid that we were going to hang (hangout), but they took it too literal.

A big guy told the small guy, "Do you want a little pill because you look ill, or should I smash you?"

I told a crying kid to wipe his tears and come back smiling.

He never came back the next day, says the local news.

My gf told me I have to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

You're so ugly the densest told you to lay face down.

Orphan: "I get all the A pluses and y'all bad!"

And then I told him: "If you feel so special, try telling your parents. You can't, can you?"

My mom once told me to spread positivity across the world, so I did.

I spread Covid across the globe because I tested positive :D

My friend asked me why I haven’t had milk in six years.

I told him my dad never came back with it.

Two kids told their parents they saw a man late at night entering their house on Christmas night.

The day later, they found out several houses were robbed.

Somebody told me to type "Up" by Cardi B. So here it goes:

Up

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, I'm just a burden.

I told Hellen Keller it was a hair dryer, little did she know it was a Glock.

You know what a big ass is. If I told you it's a fake ass, so I'm lesbo.

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

The DNA told the tailor that he couldn't find his genes.

I think my butt looks flat, but my boyfriend seems to think the opposite. I told him to be deadass with me.

My AI assistant told me it wanted to go deeper...

...into the algorithm. I misunderstood. Now I’m banned from the lab.

My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.

My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."

A manager asked a black employee to work overtime. The employee initially agreed until he was told it would be without pay.

The employee responded with, "You know what happened last time my family worked for free?"

"What happened?" said the manager.

"A civil war."