Told jokes

Somebody told me to type "Up" by Cardi B. So here it goes:

Up

I told a crying kid to wipe his tears and come back smiling.

He never came back the next day, says the local news.

One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"

Once the old lady told me she had wisdom, but after she voted! 🤯

A big guy told the small guy, "Do you want a little pill because you look ill, or should I smash you?"

I told a joke at a funeral, but no one laughed. One mf was ded though💀.

My mom told me to help her with the laser, but it was opposite day, so I pushed her down.

She said help, so I kicked her.

Why did the students eat their homework?

Because the teacher told them it was a piece of cake!

My mum told me to do the dog poo, but I couldn't find you anywhere.

My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.

No, they will be wondering what I look like.

My mom once told me to spread positivity across the world, so I did.

I spread Covid across the globe because I tested positive :D

My gf told me I have to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

My friend asked me why I haven’t had milk in six years.

I told him my dad never came back with it.

You're so ugly the densest told you to lay face down.

Orphan: "I get all the A pluses and y'all bad!"

And then I told him: "If you feel so special, try telling your parents. You can't, can you?"

Bro, I was told that "LMAO" meant launching missiles at orphanages. Well, I LMAOed. I don't think they are ever gonna see their parents again.

I told my sister that when you go to bed with an itchy butt, you're going to have smelly fingers in the morning, and I've never heard her laugh so hard in my life.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, I'm just a burden.

Kid: I want to be like Batman.

Genie: I can make arrangements. The kid comes home, both of his parents are dead.

Genie: I told you.

Kid: .............................................

I told Hellen Keller it was a hair dryer, little did she know it was a Glock.