Told jokes

A farmer told me that he wanted a couple of acres, so I punched him in the teeth.

You know what a big ass is. If I told you it's a fake ass, so I'm lesbo.

My mum told me to do the dog poo, but I couldn't find you anywhere.

My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.

No, they will be wondering what I look like.

My gf told me I have to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

My mom once told me to spread positivity across the world, so I did.

I spread Covid across the globe because I tested positive :D

You're so ugly the densest told you to lay face down.

My friend asked me why I haven’t had milk in six years.

I told him my dad never came back with it.

Orphan: "I get all the A pluses and y'all bad!"

And then I told him: "If you feel so special, try telling your parents. You can't, can you?"

I told Hellen Keller it was a hair dryer, little did she know it was a Glock.

Two kids told their parents they saw a man late at night entering their house on Christmas night.

The day later, they found out several houses were robbed.

Somebody told me to type "Up" by Cardi B. So here it goes:

Up

Kid: I want to be like Batman.

Genie: I can make arrangements. The kid comes home, both of his parents are dead.

Genie: I told you.

Kid: .............................................

I told my sister that when you go to bed with an itchy butt, you're going to have smelly fingers in the morning, and I've never heard her laugh so hard in my life.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, I'm just a burden.

I saw Simba walking slowly.

I told him "Mufasa!"

The DNA told the tailor that he couldn't find his genes.

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

Your mama is so stupid. We were playing catch, and I told her to go deep. She grabbed a shovel and dug a hole.

You know what I told my little brother plane?