Told jokes

They told me Avengers: Endgame was going to be 3 hours long, but honestly? I felt like it was over in a SNAP!

I think my butt looks flat, but my boyfriend seems to think the opposite. I told him to be deadass with me.

What did the blonde say when I told a rape joke?

"Can you show me what rape is?"

An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Me walking in to the office:

Principal: Tell me, what did you do?

Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.

Why did Shawn suddenly fly to Mount Everest, leaving behind friends, family, and food?

Someone told him that "Shelby"'s coming 'round the mountain.

They told me I could never be an actor.

No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.

I have a brother and he told me this quote, "No wonder they had a second child, they messed up on the first one." He’s the second child... I’m the first...

I told an orphan there were 363 days in a year.

Child: Mom, someone told me you talk like an owl.

Teacher: Who?

Child: Oh, it is true, you do talk like an owl!

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."

I told a chemist a joke.

No reaction.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

Yo mama so dumb, when I told her my friend was mute she said, “Can't you unmute her?”

One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!

I was at school with friends. One of my friends had hair in her armpits. The rest of my friends and I tried not to laugh or say anything, until one of my friends laughed and told her she had hair in her armpits, so she ran to her locker to get hair remover and went to one of the restroom stalls.

Me: God, Bryce, do we really have to talk about this again?

Bryce: What?

Me: You're still talking shit!! I already told you! It's 9 inches! Stop saying it's 3!

P.S. I'm a girl.

I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."