Me: Joe left today.
Orphan: Who's Joe?
Me: Joe mama!
Hello, everyone, how is your day today?
A Chinese man moves to the USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He bought a home on a small piece of land.
The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.
He goes next door, but on his way up the driveway he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
Next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees him urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the neighbor leading a bull down the driveway and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.
The American dude can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, "Jeez man, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I am doing, these are American Customs."
"What do you mean," says the neighbor, "Those aren't American customs."
"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me," replied the Chinese man. "He say to become true American, I must learn to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bull-shit!"
I lost a race with a handicapped person today. The problem was the race was all stairs.
Gravity sure is fast.
My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔
Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.
"Creeper, aww man,"
"Today we back in the mine, got our pickaxe swinging from side to side, side, side to side."
xthegamer0 is 35. He grew up with GTA5 and is still playing it today.
My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?
Joe's pizzeria and abortion clinic.
Yesterday's loss is today's sauce.
Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce!
UGHHHHHHH TODAY WAS TERRIBLE MY WIFE GOR HOT BY A BUS!!! AND I LOST MY JOB AS A BUS DRIVER!!
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.
Hey Alya and JK Master, how are you guys doing? No one being an ass to you guys today, right? If so, I'll beat them up :)
If someone calls you, just say:
"This is Peter's abortion clinic and pizza restaurant, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!"
I bought drugs today.
Quiet kid: "I'm home!"
Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"
Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"
Today was a bittersweet day...
Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!
Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!
Jerry Garcia: I’m going on a TRIP today!
Bob Weir: Where are you going?
Jerry Garcia: I’m already on it. 😯🦄🌈
I got suspended at school today, I lit a kids wheelchair on fire and called him hot wheels
